Tonight’s top story: Someone has stolen my muesli bar from
the fridge at work.
Between the stolen muesli bar, the millipede on my bed, and
my melancholic mood, morale is low. On the upper hand, I just wrote some
awesome alliteration. There I go again. Unstoppable.
My mood has taken a turn for the worst of late. I may have a
mope right now so turn away if you feel like you don’t want to hear me ask
life’s hard questions; “if a muesli bar is stolen from the fridge at work
without anyone seeing it, does it still make a sound?”
Let me just say that before I start my mope- I really must
comment on how fab my class are. I only have ONE kid who is actually a bit of a
pain, primarily because he is ADHD and American and doesn’t know when to shut
his trap. Aside from that delightful minor issue, they really are a cool bunch
of kids, and extremely tolerant of my shite teaching
practice/preparation/spelling and mathematic skills. They tell me “I like
learning, you’re a cool teacher” and I tell them “You like learning? NERD
ALERT!!!” and then I say I’m kidding and that they are a cool class but if they
really loved me they would pay me more. I like to keep them on their toes.
I sound jokey when I
talk about my class, but I really have had some awesome teaching moments with
them. They clap after I read a chapter of their ‘class read’ book particularly
well (or if they are sucking up for another chapter). They get excited about
learning and laugh with me about things that are funny, and get serious about
things that are serious. There are two boys who have me in hysterics
constantly, to the point where I once thought I might have to leave the room to
regain my composure. Work has become a joy/just kidding but it’s come close
enough, and there have indeed been some joyful moments in there.
My mope comes down to the old classic- self doubt. It’s also
partly self pity, let’s not beat around the bush (what does that even MEAN? I
am just imagining some old guy with a stick beating the ground angrily around a
small shrub.)
Twice a year when the stars align and the tides are right,
the Giant Sea Turtle comes ashore to lay it’s eggs, and I have an emotional
breakdown and decide that I am so bad at doing life. Pause for audience gasp. I
know, I know, I seem to have it all together with my short/at times bordering
on dykey hair cut and my around-the-world jaunts. But truth is sometimes I really
don’t know what I am doing with this whole thing (life, not the hair, which is
currently a mixture of a mullet and a bowlcut.) I am about the most nostalgic
person I know, so the past always looks like this exotic dream world, and I
totally pine for it. Minutes before I sat down to write this, I stared at
myself sadly in the mirror and thought “why didn’t you just stay in Hamilton
where you had friends and a car and money and material wealth! Now your friends
will forget you because you left a perfectly good place!” Then I got thinking
about how I wish I was better at things- better at being a Christian, better at
teaching, better at caring about other people, better at not caring about what
other people think of me. It’s a horrible mixture of self doubt and self pity
and self loathing all at once.
I guess my point in sharing this is that I am having a
little freak out “I should be in New Zealand improving myself and my life. I
wasting my time here” when really what I am effectively saying is “I’ll start the
diet tomorrow.” I guess the great thing about life is that it is fluid- you can
start the change at any time- that’s if you really want to I suppose. I’d be
intrigued to know if it’s a feeling we share as people- the three selves- and
whether or not it disappears in time/with success/happiness. I’m also ranting
because I am tired, so disregard this if it sounds mental or too self indulgent
for your liking!
Next time on AinsleyinSamoa…..Having a decent sense of
judgement when driving in Samoa….is it just too hot? Samoan driving skills and
other unusual behaviours.
Love you! Ains x
